retired hater

As I’ve gotten older(?) I have found it easier to be a fan of things. Like just genuinely appreciating people’s talents. Talent could be in literally anything. The fastest shoe tie in history? WOW, run that back let me see. Clothing brand launch? Fire. Peak athletic achievement? Let’s appreciate greatness.

I used to not want to be a fan. In big part it was my ego not wanting to admit that someone was “better” than me at something. So really I was a hater and disguised it as nonchalant. I wanted to be admired by people. But I wasn’t / didn’t put in the work and so I was mad at you because you did. Because how dare you lol.

Today I’m much more secure in who I am and the work that I’ve put into my craft(s)/people. I don’t need to be admired by thousands of people. I just need the love, respect, and yes sometimes admiration of my community and loved ones. Anything more than that is gravy.

I know how hard it is to make something come to life. I’ve tried and failed repeatedly and continue to do so. So when I see someone reach the pinnacles that they’ve worked so hard to reach I can’t do anything else but sit back and admire the work they’ve put into to get to that point. It’s lonely, scary, and it feels crazy at times trying to pursue a dream or vision that nobody else really sees.

They’ve been looked at crazy, made fun of, judged etc. I know cause I used to be on that side of this. A true cynic.

But today I’m a fan. A fan of hard work, dedication, self-belief. I admire anyone who is willing to put the work in and make something out of nothing, no matter how big or small. When I come up short or I’m not getting what I want. I really ask myself have I put in the work to get whatever x thing is? If the answer is honestly yes then I can look outward. If the answer is no then I know what I need to do.

I said it was mostly ego turning me to a hater. But what was stopping me from pursuing what I want? Fear.

Something I want to point out - is the ego isn’t bad. Its literally only job is to protect you from negative feelings. If you could separate yourself from your ego real quick - if you were looking at it. You’d see someone who is will protect you at all cost. It’s an overly active security guard. Or even better an over bearing parent. The kind who stops their kid from doing anything that seems remotely dangerous. It’s something that takes shape over time based on the conditions you expose it to. It doesn’t know what danger is until our body reacts to it. And once our body internalized something as dangerous or not safe. Ego steps in and is on watch for anything that looks remotely close to that thing. So for me, my ego is on the lookout for anything that might be disguised as judgment coming my way.

And one of the egos tactics of defense it to disguise itself as the very thing that hurt you. Because that thing won’t hurt its own kind. Judgement won’t hurt judgement. If that makes sense. If it doesn’t - ask me about to later, call or text me about it. Because I’m trying to wrap this up.

Going back to what was stopping me.

Fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of being vulnerable. My ego was protecting me and to be honest did a very good job. But now I have enough belief in myself to be able to overcome my fears and adversity. I’ve grown. And I can put my ego aside when necessary and explore the parts of myself I was scared of. So now I’m exploring. My creativity, my thoughts, my beliefs. Standing on things that align with me and not afraid of being judged about it.

All that to say - this is why I do this writing and posting stuff. Just exploring. And there so much more on the way.

Last point, for as much as I enjoy being a fan. I won’t put my hands up because someone’s tells me too. But I will applaud the work and the art because I admire what you’ve created.