i did it again

i had an idea. acted on it. created it, shared it, got good feedback… and then i lost the plot. i shared a few things from this website and people seemed to like it. some writing, some music, some pictures. all the things i said i would share. i felt good about it.

but then i got excited. wanting to write more, share more, do more. but that was never my goal.

with that external validation came some type of expectation i wasnt aware of. i started to write down topics i thought were interesting (or that i thought people would find interesting) and saving them for later. I was riding a wave of other people’s emotions, allowing it to dictate what my next move was going to be.

i knew i was doing something wrong when i sat down and looked at the list of topics i had picked out and none of them excited me. it felt like homework all over again. i initially pushed the thought to the side and just chopped it up to me procrastinating or being lazy.

so i forced myself to sit down one day and try to write something from the topics i had saved. terrible idea. it was like pulling teeth.

i ended up deleting what i wrote and started writing this, and immideately so much easier.

that’s because this is coming from me, again.

the reason i created this website was to share things that i cared about and inspired me. so people can meet me where i am and vice versa. to geek out about the things that pop into my brain and giving it a place to live in the world where people could interact with it, if they choose to. to be vocal about my thoughts, wants and needs.

when i wrote about finanaces or the super bowl, i cranked those out in no more than 30 minutes. i was inspired and motivated by what i saw and experienced.

sharing my decisions and perspective. the things i have learned and what i am still learning. to connect with people in a real(er) way, than instagram stories and comments.

what i learned this time is that its a common pattern of mine. start something, share it, get feedback and then i start overthinking. its crazy how subtle it is. when i started djing the moment i put it down was when people told me i was good. a part of me was scared to lose the praise, so my best option was to go out on top. i didnt know where it was coming from for a long time until now.

I just want to continue to create in my own way from my own thoughts. hearing, seeing, doing, being, all those things and bringing it together to make something. wether its this or something else. part of me is mad at myself for falling into that trap again. but grateful that i am aware now so that i can act differently.

this is not me saying i dont enjoy compliments, i just do not know how to handle them. but i am learning. and thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to continue sharing and writing.

special shoutout to my boy rob for encouraging me to keep going. if you know him, man of few words and fewer compliments. it meant a lot.

I lost my way for as second, and i am sure i will again, as long as i get back on track. i did it before and i’ll do it again.